Tager's Awsum adventures, REAL SOVIET DAMAGE!
by Keijon
Summary: Kokonoe's machine ends up sending Tager back in time! To Soviet Russia! But he is not the only one. Anyway how the hell can Kokonoe still talk to him? Warning: May contain an overload of memes and other cheap comedy tricks.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 – Displacement my ***! More like Distimement.

It was a day like any other, at least at first, Tager went in the machine, Kokonoe flipped a few switches and pressed a few buttons and everything was fine. Personally Tager disliked being the guinea pig, but unfortunately no missions that required him popped up, so there he was, stuck in the lab, doing tests day in day out.

"So, what is this machine that we are testing again today?"

Kokonoe replied with her usual neutral, slightly bored, slightly impatient speech. "An instant dimensional displacement machine." Somehow, despite Tager being sure he wasn't an idiot, even if not a genius, Kokonoe always managed to baffle him with her choice of words when explaining something. "Layman terms please."

"Something to do with teleport, don't worry about it. It probably won't work anyway; we are still in preliminary phase." Somehow, this really felt wrong to Tager, when Kokonoe was sure her invention would NOT work, there was something wrong.

And so there was, a few seconds after Kokonoe turned the machine on, Tager heard her speak in an excited tone. "Huh? What are these readings? There is something wrong going on! Tager can you hear me? Respond!" Just as he was about to do so, everything went black.

=/=

"This is Tager, Kokonoe. Respond, damn it. Can't get a signal, what the hell is going on?" Snow, lots of it, a few trees and mountains. Where the hell was he? Kokonoe really did it now, this was probably worth a month of not having to hear anything about any "enhancements", though Tager knew that never hearing Kokonoe's ramblings ever again would probably be very, very bad. First of all he had to find someone.

It wasn't till an hour later that he found a strange structure. Now that he thought about it, his detectors showed a strange lack of Seithr all around him, was he still even in the same world? His thoughts didn't last long as he heard a shot come from the structure to which he was going, a bullet hit on a tree right beside Tager. "How the hell can they miss me? Well maybe it's just a warning shot." Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, it wasn't, since the shots just kept coming as the men that came out of the structure shouted in a strange language and ran at him while shooting.

"Tager, respond!" Tager never felt more relieved at hearing Kokonoe's voice. Though the obvious hint of worry was probably an hallucination. "Kokonoe? Tell me, what kind of language are they speaking? Help me here!" Kokonoe's voice was normal again. "Didn't I install a polyglot program in you? By the way, it's Russian, run the Russian program and you should be fine."

"Peace peace, I'm not your enemy." At least it made them stop shooting. "Who are you? Some kind of spy for the Americans?"

"No, of course not! But, could you tell me where I am?" The men seemed still suspicious of him, but they answered. "Why, you are in the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics! In Siberia!" The men got confused as they saw Tager's shocked face.

"Wait, USSR, so if my rough knowledge of what happened before the Black War is right, I am in the… Past? Wait how are we talking then?"

"Inter-time-dimension-plot-driven-communicator."

"Wait what?"

"Shush, you don't need to know, this story just would be boring without a character of my caliber around."

"…"

"Don't … me, just go on with the story! Just tell them you are a Soviet Russian Cyborg from the future send to help them or something, you are all reddish anyway they will probably believe you. Oh, don't forget to belittle the American also, they will buy that for sure."

Okay here goes nothing! "Hey, truth is, I am a Soviet Russian Robot sent from the future to help you all defeat the Capitalistic Regime of the American Pigdogs!"

The two men looked at each other in disbelief. "Can you prove it?"

"Look, I'm all reddish and stuff right?"

"This could just be a disguise to take us off-guard!"

"Would the Americans able to make such a powerful and manly looking cyborg?"

"Well, he's got a point there."

"But he would have to really, prove it and I just might know how!" Both men looked at each other and nodded. "Vodka!"

Tager was unsure. "Vodka…" Kokonoe was amused. "Oh boy, this could be funny."

=/=

A couple of hours later, after more bottles than Tager thought it was possible the two men could be carrying.

"Check this out! This is REAL SOVIET DAMAGE!" Tager punched a tree with all his strength reducing it to little shards of wood all over the place, as if it had exploded. The two men roared in laughter. "I give up, I give up, can't compete with comrade Tager from the future!"

"Haha! No we can't. Anyway, what were supposed to be doing anyway out here in the middle of nowhere?"

"Oh yeah! We were guarding something right?" Then both suddenly went stiff. "We were guarding an important secret laboratory!" At the same time the communicator of one of them came alive with an extremely nervous voice, it could hardly be heard through the static. "I don't know what you morons are doing! But come back we are under attack, I repeat, under attack!" It was then cut off.

"Damn it! Comrade we must hurry back! Huh? What are you doing?" A huge swathe of the forest was destroyed, Tager was happily throwing trees around or just destroying them.

"Now now, that just won't do, guess I will have to remotely activate the alcohol purging system." Tager's expression immediately changed from one moment to another. "Huh? What was I doing?"

"Doesn't matter, just go help them. I have a bad feeling about this."

"Why?"

"Maybe something to do with all the irregularities which were popping up all over Kagutsuchi the same time you disappeared."

"You've got to be kidding me…"

"Why don't you go check for yourself?"

Tager's awsum adventure chapter 1 end.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – In Soviet Russia Nu Spams Your Drives!

"What's the matter comrade Tager? You seem shocked." Oh, he felt shocked alright. Who wouldn't after the seeing who it was that was laying waste to the laboratory, though for now all she seemed to be doing was playing around with the guards that had remained.

Tager was afraid of saying it. "Nu…" A half contained laughter came through the communicator. "Ahahahaha, if when there is a strange invisible barrier around you can hardly beat her imagine what it is like on normal circumstances."

"Shut up! Nobody asked you for your opinion!"

"Comrade Tager, what is wrong?"

"Oh my, I think you talked to loud."

"Leave me to my misery."

"Won't you help them?"

Tager took a deep sigh, he could at least try something, he had some pride. So he stepped out of hiding, filled his lungs and shouted in Nu's direction. "Stop right there you psycho robot-bitch! I will not let you do what you want in this land!" In response, the girl slowly turned around, and suddenly started to speak in a weird robotic fashion. "Identifying… Identifying… Identified. Target identified as Iron Tager, threat level zero. Continue bullying defenseless soldiers for fun."

"…"

"Ahahahahahaha! She just said your threat level is zero, what are you going to do about it? You know, I have been asking AKSYS to let me buff you up for some time now."

"Shut up, ill beat this bitch!"

=/=

REBEL 1

Drive, drive drive drive drive drive…………………………………….

Nu wins.

REBEL 2

Drive, drive drive drive drive drive drive drive…………………

Nu Wins.

=/=

"So, how does it feel being at the bottom of the totem pole"

"…"

"You need to think of some other of getting her away from that place, I think you will need help from the scientist inside."

"How can she use her powers anyway? There shouldn't be any Seithr here…"

"Oh, I'm sure the author thought about something stupid like it leaked through the portal or something like that, but I believe it has something more to do with the fact that without the other character's powers, much like without me, this would be a terrible story."

"…"

"Comrade Tager! This is terrible, if you were beaten whatever shall we do? What is that girl anyway?" Tager only sighed. "A demon from the future made by those Americans! But worry not, I still have a plan, I am quite confident in my artistic abilities, you have some cardboard, paper and colored pencils?"

"Huh? Somehow I kind of do have those with me, strange if you ask me."

"Okay, I also need you two to choose who will lure her."

"Lure her?"

=/=

Nu had grown bored with attacking the men with the rifles. She really wanted to see Ragna, somehow she had a feeling that he would have been sent to same place as she was. Suddenly a voice caught her attention, she hopped it wasn't that stupid Iron Tager again.

"Hey long time no see!" Her heart skipped a beat, Ragna! Somehow he seemed strange, a little static, and his voice seemed forced, but that wouldn't stop her!

Her voice was unexpectedly childish. "Ragna! I'm coming for you!"

Ohohoho, try and catch me!" She wouldn't let him get away, for some reason he seemed to be running without moving and without turning around. Ah! A chase, how romantic! "I won't let you get away!"

=/=

"So, what do you suppose she will do to the guy once she realizes she just chased after a cardboard Ragna?"

"… None of my business, I don't think there will be anything left for anyone to see. Anyway, Comrade, if possible I would like to speak with the resident scientist of this lab."

"Of course Comrade Tager, you saved us all, except for poor Sergei I guess… He was a good man."

"Oh yes, very brave."

=/=

Near a cliff, one girl was weeping copiously among a red tinged snow, bits and pieces who could be a human body part were all around. "Waaaaaaa, how could you throw Ragna off the cliff! How mean of you, I want to put you together just to kill you again! But I will not give up, Ragna wouldn't die from that, and to think he had actually been kidnapped how couldn't I have realized?"

Nearby a ghost of a Russian soldier stood perplexed. "She didn't realize it was cardboard… Damn, I thought if I threw it down the cliff she would jump after. Oh well, time for me to go to Vodka Heaven!"

Tager's awsum adventure chapter 2 end.


End file.
